The Canadian Sportsman
October 30, 2009
Regularly, we subject people in the industry to our little brand of silliness called Post Parade in the hope you’ll get to know a little more about the people you read about in The Canadian Sportsman. Recently, the suggestion came that it would only be fair if we were subjected to the same process. For what it’s worth, here’s the second installment of Post Parade featuring Sportsman staffers. Questions by Dave Briggs.
Lauren Lee - Sportsman assistant editor
General:
How would you heal the world?
“I'm not sure, but it would definitely involve puppies. Or, maybe, red wine.”
What’s the world’s greatest invention?
“I should say the printing press, but my heart's not in it. It's a toss up between the PVR and Fantasy Football.”
What do you wish had never been invented?
“Baby showers. More specifically, games to be played at baby showers.”
You can trade places with any athlete for any one moment in sports history. Who do you pick? What moment in history is it and why?
“Kirk Gibson's walk-off home run in the 1988 World Series. Gibson fist pumping and hobbling around the bases, while announcer Jack Buck screams, ‘I don't believe what... I... just... saw’ still gives me chills more than 20 years later.”
What’s your weakness?
“I am the least assertive person in the entire world. I'm also a world-class procrastinator.”
What movie have you watched the most times?
“The Silence of the Lambs. Every psychological thriller, serial killer movie and CSI-esque television show since 1991 owes it a debt of gratitude. Pulp Fiction is a close second.”
What’s the greatest acting performance ever in a movie and why?
“See above. Anthony Hopkins/Jodie Foster (The Silence of the Lambs). Two great actors matching each other's intensity blow for blow for the entire movie, creating real tension and suspense. Both won Oscars, as did the director, screenwriter and the movie itself. Can't argue with that.”
What was your favourite cereal as a kid and what is your favourite cereal now?
“I was the kid that skipped breakfast and then felt crappy all morning. As an adult, it's Mini Wheats.”
What’s the best gift you ever received and who gave it to you?
“In terms of pure excitement, I'm told I did cartwheels around the room when my parents gave me my first Cabbage Patch Kid doll. In terms of thoughtfulness, my husband (then boyfriend) went to the ends of the earth to replace a copy of my favourite cassette tape, a limited edition Tina Turner recording, after it became obsolete. He gets extra points for his tenacious legwork in the pre-internet, pre-Ebay era.”
What did you love about growing up in Clinton, ON and what did you hate?
“I loved the complete freedom of growing up in a safe, small-town environment. I hated the lack of privacy and the fact that everyone always seems to know your business. My hatred of that is ongoing.”
Professional:
If you were the commissioner of all of harness racing what would be the first thing you would do.....?
“It's been said before, but our rules need to be universal, at very least across the board in Canada and the U.S. While we're at it, our new rules should also include a 'Bill of Rights' for both our bettors and our participants.”
How would you heal the harness racing world?
“All the big industry stakeholders need to enter marriage counseling. I'd start with a Festivus-style airing of grievances, then move on to feats of strength.”
If you could see and write about any horse in harness racing history, which one would you pick and why?
“Everyone always says, 'Dan Patch', but I've missed out on covering a lot of great ones in the more recent past. I wish my frame of reference included the likes of Mack Lobell, Moni Maker, Cam Fella and many others.”
What’s your favourite spot in all of the harness racing world and why?
“Mohawk Racetrack. It reminds me of being a kid and going to the fireworks, petting zoo, etc. with my dad.”
Who is the most underrated horseperson in racing and why?
“I'm not sure if she qualifies as 'underrated', but Paula Wellwood seems to train a top horse every single year without a lot of fanfare.”
What does harness racing need more of?
“A sense of humour.”
What’s your favourite harness racing story of the ones you’ve written and why?
“It was a few years ago now, but I wrote a story about my night on foal watch duty at Killean Acres (above). It's sort of love/hate. It was by far the longest, coldest night of my entire life, but I was happy how the story turned out.”
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October 23, 2009
Regularly, we subject people in the industry to our little brand of silliness called Post Parade in the hope you’ll get to know a little more about the people you read about in The Canadian Sportsman. Recently, the suggestion came that it would only be fair if we were subjected to the same process. For what it’s worth, here’s the first installment of Post Parade featuring Sportsman staffers. Questions by Lauren Lee.
Dave Briggs - Sportsman editor
General:
What reminds you of high school?
For starters: the worst song ever — True by Spandau Ballet. Every time I hear that song I’m instantly transported back to the incredible teenage angst of dances held in our high school cafeteria. That song was our Stairway to Heaven. A million other things remind me of old Sandwich Secondary School in Windsor, including: orange the colour of pylons (from our unfortunate school colours), greasy fish Fridays, kids rocking the Flock of Seagulls look, the school newspaper (go figure), the day we nearly blew up the entire block by cooking lunch on a hibachi next to the school’s gas line and incredible friends. High school wasn’t that bad.
If you were on death row, what would you select for your ‘last meal’? Be specific.
I’m tempted to say something that would take one hell of a long time to prepare, but I’d likely go out large with tortellini in a dill cream sauce with smoked salmon, crab cakes from Baltimore, crispy duck from a little chinese restaurant in London, England, a hot loaf of my mother’s fresh bread and finished off with a huge slice of chocolate cheesecake. Screw the vegetables. It isn’t going to do me any good at that point.
Tell me about a time when you were truly afraid.
You mean other than the day I woke up in a Turkish prison and had no idea how I got there? A close second was fear of shark attack in Lake Erie.
Tell me three things about yourself and one of them can’t be true.
I have never once done drugs — not even pot.
A giraffe once licked my hand at a game reserve in South Africa.
I once sung on stage with The Beach Boys.
You are a big Detroit Lions fan. Finish this sentence: The Detroit Lions make me want to.....
Well, about 15 years ago, I said the Lions were worse for your health than smoking. Today, I’d say they’re worse for your health than smoking, gargling Benzene and skydiving without a parachute, combined.
You are known as The Sportsman’s music guru. Name a band or singer you feel is underrated and tell me why they should be given a chance.
Not sure if they’re underrated, really. They’re kind of critical darlings. But I’ve never understood why Fountains of Wayne aren’t more popular. Incredible power pop songs with great, funny lyrics about ordinary people in the mold of The Beatles. I guess power pop is for dorks. Also, Paul Carrack is the best blue-eyed soul singer in the business. Hands down.
_________ could be performing a free concert across the street from my house and I wouldn’t go.
The list is too long to mention, but let’s start with Celine Dion and Abba and just about anyone who performed at Lillith Fair and include any of a huge number of talentless hacks who use Auto-Tune to computer-enhance their voices — which is just about everyone on today’s pop charts. Horrible trend in music.
You have the chance to live out one day as any fictional movie character. Who do you choose and why?
Come on, James Bond is the obvious one. Cool, handsome, gets hot chicks, gets to kill people. There’s no way you can top 007.
Which personality trait of yours do you hope gets passed on to your children? What do you hope doesn’t?
Above all, I’m a passionate person with a good sense of humour and a decent ability to read people. I hope they get my passion, humour and ability to read people. Oh, and my modesty. I hope they get that, too. I hope they don’t get my impatience and my stubbornness, but I fear it’s too late on both of those counts.
What’s the one thing that you now wish you knew as a 15-year-old but didn’t?
I wish I had been in a band instead of following the football team around. Even ugly band guys get babes.
Professional:
If you were the commissioner of all of harness racing what would be the first thing you would do?.....
For starters, I like Alan Kirschenbaum’s multi-track Pick 8 idea, but I’d also devote all energies to establishing a North American lottery-style wager modeled off the V75. I would also fully fund smaller programs such as the SBOA’s new ownership venture and the HHYF and OHHA youth camps.
What’s your favourite day on the harness racing calendar and why?
Seriously, it’s a tie between North America Cup night at Mohawk, Hambletonian Day, Jug Day and a perfect fall afternoon at The Red Mile when there is a packed house.
Who is currently the best ‘quote’ in the game?
The most articulate and passionate is David Willmot, but Jimmy Takter and Ron Pierce are both a close second on the fun scale. Honorable mention to Ron Gurfein.
What lesson from journalism school have you really taken to heart?
Quote your subjects warmly and accurately. Oh wait, I learned that from Almost Famous.
You have the power to strike three words or phrases from the English language. What gets the hook?
Imagine how much better the world would be without the word “hate”. Ah, I’m screwin with you. Theres lots:
(1) Needless to mention. If it’s needless to mention, then why are you mentioning it?
(2) Hambo. Could we please just call it the Hambletonian?
(3) Expletive. Don’t get me wrong, I love using expletives, but there’s a terrible trend where people confuse expletive with superlative. Expletives are swear words, people. Superlatives are compliments.
If you hadn’t ended up a harness racing journalist what would you be doing for a living right now?
Probably writing something, somewhere. Sorry if that’s too boring. Or being a grifter. That sounds fun. Maybe a professional karaoke singer. I would have liked to have been a musician, but I’m not sure I have the talent for it.
If you could have any other job besides journalist within the harness racing industry what would you choose?
Does Hambletonian-winner count? If not, I’d have to say I’d like to be Ian Fleming — great guy with great connections who is smart, grounded and immensely powerful, but able to keep it all under the radar.
Of all the articles you’ve written for the Sportsman over the years, which is your favourite?
Probably the first one which won a Hervey Award about a groom saying goodbye to one of my favourite horses, Jennas Beach Boy. While on the stakes trail, single-mom Pam Baillie was being pulled between caring for her daughter and the great pacer.
September 30, 2009
The best from our Post Parade Q & A feature
Past Posts
Favourite answers from past Post Parades
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Ron Pierce (above, Aug. 5, 2004):
What’s your fondest memory of racing in Macau?
“My most exciting experience was being in a typhoon. I’ve never seen it rain so hard in my life. You could see them coming from miles away from across the South China Sea. It looked like a waterfall coming at you. It was just unbelievable. It would stop as fast as it started and then get steamy and hot.”
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Chris Roberts (above, Jan. 22, 2009):
When was the last time you cried?
“As a dedicated Leafs fan, I cry a little every day.”
What are your favourite rejected names for Georgian Downs’ new $500,000
stakes race - the Upper Canada Cup?
“The Muskoka Mile. The Clash of the Great Lakes. The Sunrise Stakes. And, if you can believe it, Curtis MacDonald suggested ‘The Meadowlands Pace’ three times.”
What’s the worst job you ever had?
“Corn detasseling. It’s a sick right-of-passage ritual that kids from Dresden have to go through. Minimum wage... start at dawn... walk through sopping wet corn fields for 14 hours. Need I say more?”
Be honest. On a scale of 1 to 10, how jealous are you of Chuck Keeling’s hair?
“Between you and my female office staff, I’m getting a complex. Yes, yes, Chuck’s so dreamy. 10.”
Chuck Keeling (above, March 26, 2009):
Chris Roberts admitted he was jealous of your hair. Is there anything that makes you jealous of Chris?
“His perfectly aligned goatee, his sense of flair with fashion, his witty humour, his sexy car, the admiration women have for him. I guess, everything Chris represents.”
Tell me three things about yourself and one of them can’t be true.
“I love to wakeboard, listen to heavy metal and drink light beer.”
Besides you, of course, who is the world’s best “Chuck”?
“Chucky, the doll from the horror movie series. Gotta love a doll that wields a knife.”
The Commish
Everyone gets the “If you were the Commissioner of all of harness racing...” question. Here’s the best responses.
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Peter Heffering (above, March 31, 2005):
“Implement a North American license for owners. Secondly, amalgamate the USTA and Standardbred Canada. The industry is too small to have two bodies doing basically the same thing.”
Bill O’Donnell (April 15, 2004):
“Stop suspending trainers, drivers and owners and replace the suspensions with fines and I’d make them hurt. Then, I’d progress them. Money is what really sends a message, not days.”
Mark Ford (May 13, 2004):
“Clean up some of the bad eggs in the industry on both ends — on the backstretch and among the regulators.”
Handicapping Challenge
Post Parade subjects set the odds when asked the “chances the following will occur in the next 10 years”
One or more small Ontario tracks will close
Hugh Mitchell (Nov. 27, 2008) — ”50-1.”
Kelly Spencer (Jan. 5, 2009) — “10-1”
Chris Roberts (Jan. 22, 2009) — “1-9”
Anthony Haughan (March 5, 2009) — “2-1. I hope I’m wrong.”
Chuck Keeling (March 26, 2009) — “1-1”
Darryl MacArthur (April 16, 2009) — “1-1”
Lou Liebenau (May 14, 2009) — “20-1”
Hec Clouthier (Feb. 12, 2009) — “3-1”
Jack Darling (June 18, 2009) — “2-1”
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