The Canadian Sportsman
Off Course
Back To Off CourseSeptember 11, 2009
Ever played host to a wedding in your backyard? It’s completely nerve-racking.
Recently, my husband and I were in charge of providing the location for his little sister’s big day. Just a small, family affair, that’s all. However, with just over a month’s notice, there was still a lot to be done.
We planned, we landscaped, we complained, and we tried to think of every conceivable thing that could possibly go wrong just so we could stamp it out before it became an issue.
Your mind starts working overtime — Do we have enough food/booze? Is it going to rain? What the hell are we going to do if it rains? Is the tent structurally sound? Why does the lawn look worse after we fertilized? Should we go get some more booze? Is someone going to break their neck on our poorly-lit patio stairs? How do we keep the squirrels out of the beautiful mums we just planted? Would our neighbours decide to have an obnoxiously loud pool party the same day?
So we systematically went about solving our problems. We bought enough food and booze for three weddings. We developed a rain contingency plan. We reinforced the tent, lit the stairs, distracted the squirrels, and found out that the neighbours were out of town.
Things were going swimmingly — the pouring rain subsided at 2 o’clock, giving way to the sun and the go-ahead for an outdoor affair. The bride looked beautiful, the groom was handsome, the guests were accounted for and we all assembled at 6 p.m. sharp for the ceremony to begin. Not only were there no disasters, but we were perfectly on schedule as well.
The officiant had just begun to tell us all about lifelong commitments and everlasting love when the other shoe dropped.
Behind our secluded property there is an access pathway to the small park that is located next door. The park is a hot spot for both babysitters and dog walkers. At this moment in time, two dogs were having more than a friendly disagreement.
The bride stared deeply into the groom’s eyes, took his hands into her own and presumably vowed to love and honour him forever.
Presumably, because the only thing to be heard at that moment was what is best described as two of Mike Vick’s cujos engaged in a heavyweight title fight 50 yards away.
Dog fight, eh? Should’ve known.
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